The Grammar Guy: January 2009

One of my New Year's resolution is to catch up on the student essays sent to me last year. There are several waiting in the wings. My apologies to Alice for sitting on this one so long. She sent me her essay in response to my offer of free SAT essay critiques.

My method:

1. Post the essay as it was originally sent to me.
2. Give my comments line-by-line, with a focus on grammar.
3. Post my re-write, fixing grammatical errors only.
4. Provide general feedback, with a focus on structure.
5. Score the original essay from 1-6, using the SAT rubric.

Original Essay

Here is the prompt:

People today have so many choices. For instance, thirty years ago most television viewers could choose from only a few channels; today there are more than a hundred channels available. And choices do not just abound when it comes to the media. People have more options in almost every area of life. With so much to choose from, how can we not be happy?

Assignment:

Does having a large number of options to choose from make people happy? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Here is what Alice wrote:

We have twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year, and on average 75 years to live, but so many choices to make. You would think that the freedom of choice would make people happier, too many choices actually results in the opposite. Faced with a plethora of choices, people are daunted into paralysis and many come to regret the choice that they painstakingly made.

Having too many choices overwhelms people. The plethora of options breed indecision and paralysis, as people pressure themselves to select the best courses, the best college, the best career, the best car, the best house, and the best of everything that is in front of them. Let’s say you have three choices of ice cream. Perhaps it isn’t your absolute favorite, but you opt for chocolate because you prefer it to vanilla and strawberry. It probably wasn’t too hard of a decision. Let’s say you have a hundred flavors of ice cream to choose from, and none of them is your favorite. Should you buy Cookies ‘n Cream, Very Berry Strawberry, Mississippi Mud, Fudge Brownie, Splish Slash® Sherbet, Rock ‘n Pop Swirl, or just plain old chocolate? With so many choices and enough money for only one cone, you simply must get the one that will satisfy your craving the best. Thus, you furrow your brow and struggle with your decision for some time, or perhaps you give up and get a drink instead. After the tough decision, you aren’t as happy with your choice as you thought you would be.

Actually, many people are even unhappier with their final choice if they had many choices. Sociologist Barry Schwartz conducted an experiment where the participants were allowed to pick one of two photos they really liked. One group had to decide then and there, with no option to exchange the two photos afterward. The other could swap the photos anytime within fifteen days. They surveyed the participants afterwards and found that the group that had to decide quickly was much happier with their choice than the group that had the fifteen days. This was because our brains synthesize happiness—we “make the best” of our situation when having no choice. The people the first group convinced themselves that they picked the better photo under the limited circumstances, while the people in the latter blamed themselves for not making the better decision within those fifteen days. Schwartz’s team also asked later if the participants preferred to decide quickly or be given fifteen days to decide. All of them picked the fifteen days if given the choice.

The choices we make run the gamut from eating a salad or a hamburger for lunch, to buying or renting your abode, to becoming a herpetologist or a preschool teacher. We expect the finest and we are disappointed when those expectations are not met. We’re harder on ourselves when we know we had ample opportunity to choose differently—to choose an alternative we think would have made us happier. Although we certainly shouldn’t be determining life-changing decisions at the drop of a hat, we should take this as an indication to relax and live life, the best choice or not.

Line-by-Line Comments

Here is my critique of this SAT essay.

We have twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year, and on average 75 years to live, but so many choices to make.

Why but? I don't see the need for a contrary conjunction. How is the fact that we have so much time contrary to the fact that we have to make lots of choices?

You would think that the freedom of choice would make people happier, too many choices actually results in the opposite.

Why the freedom of choice? Why the definite article. Have you mentioned freedom of choice already. If you were implying freedom of choice in the first sentence, then perhaps this freedom of choice is better. Otherwise, you don't need an article here: You would think that freedom of choice would make people happier...

Happier? Happier than what? You don't offer a comparison. Better is: ...make people happy.

Not choices...results, but choices...result. Better is: having...choices...results.

The sentence has a comma splice. Correction: You would think that freedom of choice would make people happy, but having too many choices actually results in the opposite.

Faced with a plethora of choices, people are daunted into paralysis and many come to regret the choice that they painstakingly made.

Can you be daunted into paralysis? You can be daunted. You can be paralyzed.

Having too many choices overwhelms people.

Good.

The plethora of options breed indecision and paralysis, as people pressure themselves to select the best courses, the best college, the best career, the best car, the best house, and the best of everything that is in front of them.

Don't use the word plethora. You just used it in the previous paragraph. See my post on word territoriality.

Same note for paralysis. You already used this word. You can delete it here, in favor of indecision.

Subjects and verbs must agree in number. The subject is plethora (not options), so the verb should be breeds: The plethora of options breeds...

The subject is outside, not inside, the prepositional phrase. This is a common trap.

Let’s say you have three choices of ice cream.

Perhaps it isn’t your absolute favorite, but you opt for chocolate because you prefer it to vanilla and strawberry.

It probably wasn’t too hard of a decision.

Let’s say you have a hundred flavors of ice cream to choose from, and none of them is your favorite.

Should you buy Cookies ‘n Cream, Very Berry Strawberry, Mississippi Mud, Fudge Brownie, Splish Slash® Sherbet, Rock ‘n Pop Swirl, or just plain old chocolate?

With so many choices and enough money for only one cone, you simply must get the one that will satisfy your craving the best.

Thus, you furrow your brow and struggle with your decision for some time, or perhaps you give up and get a drink instead.

After the tough decision, you aren’t as happy with your choice as you thought you would be.

Actually, many people are even unhappier with their final choice if they had many choices.

Sociologist Barry Schwartz conducted an experiment where the participants were allowed to pick one of two photos they really liked.

One group had to decide then and there, with no option to exchange the two photos afterward. The other could swap the photos anytime within fifteen days.

They surveyed the participants afterwards and found that the group that had to decide quickly was much happier with their choice than the group that had the fifteen days.

This was because our brains synthesize happiness—we “make the best” of our situation when having no choice.

The people the first group convinced themselves that they picked the better photo under the limited circumstances, while the people in the latter blamed themselves for not making the better decision within those fifteen days.

Schwartz’s team also asked later if the participants preferred to decide quickly or be given fifteen days to decide.

All of them picked the fifteen days if given the choice.

The choices we make run the gamut from eating a salad or a hamburger for lunch, to buying or renting your abode, to becoming a herpetologist or a preschool teacher.

We expect the finest and we are disappointed when those expectations are not met.

We’re harder on ourselves when we know we had ample opportunity to choose differently—to choose an alternative we think would have made us happier.

Although we certainly shouldn’t be determining life-changing decisions at the drop of a hat, we should take this as an indication to relax and live life, the best choice or not.

I will continue with a rewrite, structural feedback, and a score from 1 to 6 in Part Two of this essay critique.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Please comment below.

The Grammar Guy

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Article — How to Succeed with SAT Test Preparation

Thursday, January 8, 2009

SAT Prep — Vocabulary Quizzes 1-10

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

SAT Prep — Free Essay Critique #8 (Part One)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

SAT Prep — Vocabulary Quiz #10

Blog Archive

Labels

About Me

My Blog List