SAT Prep — Free Essay Critique #7 (Part One)

Continuing our series of free SAT essay critiques, we now turn to an essay submitted by "Anonymous."

My method:

1. Post the essay as it was originally sent to me.
2. Give my comments line-by-line, with a focus on grammar.
3. Post my re-write, fixing grammatical errors only.
4. Provide general feedback, with a focus on structure.
5. Score the original essay from 1-6, using the SAT rubric.

Original Essay

Prompt: Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are?

Although most people prefer to live an easy and laid-back life, they do not consider that it was the challenges in life that helped shape who they were. Motivation to change cannot be found in an easy life because ease creates complacency. There is simply no reason to modify yourself if everything is easy and insubstancial. In fact, any change may only mean that the once easy tasks become harder.

Many of the great dystopian novels feature a main character who is first in agreement with their society. After all, why should he or she oppose something that seems to exist for their happiness? Guy Montag from Bradbury’s Farenheit 451 lived a relatively easy life until his society became his adversity. After he realized the corruption his society caused, he vowed to change it. In doing so, he lost his wife and house, but it was a small sacrifice. It was only through the difficulty of trying to oppose “the system” that he learned the meaning of independance and courage.

Aldous Huxley’s A Brave New World demonstrated what could happen when a society brainwashes and drugs its members to make them happy. The citizens had an easier life than most of us can hope for, but they lost their identities as a result. These people were so distracted, unquestioning, and shallow that they never knew who they were. They did not have any chances to discover themselves in their artificial and homogenized life. They were perfectly conditioned so that nothing would be hard or unpleasant. However, they ended up as clones of each other because their lives only required the simplest of tasks, none of which required any thinking.

Adversity challenges us and sometimes forces us to adapt and change, but it can also lead us to reflect on our lives. One can only learn of their hate of mountain climbing if one is forced to climb a mountain. Often, an adversity is our only motivation to do new things.

A life replete with experience is required in order to discover your true identity. Many times, simple curiosity is not enough to galvanate most people to acquire new experienced. It may be argued that a life of ease can free people from the drudgery of daily life and lead them on the journey of self-discovery. However, ease can also people stop trying to discover themselves and instead laze in luxury. Adversity, however, forces people to seek out new experiences and in turn defeat it with newfound knowledge.

Line-by-Line Comments

Here is my critique of this SAT essay.

Although most people prefer to live an easy and laid-back life, they do not consider that it was the challenges in life that helped shape who they were.

I suggest changing life to lifestyle. To me, it sounds more idiomatic: an easy life, but a laid-back lifestyle.

Are easy and laid-back used as synonyms here? Do you need them both? I suggest cutting one.

Change who they were to who they are. You used the present-tense verb prefer. They are now comparing who they were in the past to who they are in the present. Also, change it was to it is.

Suggested rewrite: Although most people prefer to live an easy life, they do not consider that it is the challenges in life that help shape who they are.

Motivation to change cannot be found in an easy life because ease creates complacency.

Good.

There is simply no reason to modify yourself if everything is easy and insubstancial.

Typo: should be insubstantial.

In fact, any change may only mean that the once easy tasks become harder.

Change once easy to once-easy. This is a compound modifier. The two words together act as a unit to modify the word tasks.

Many of the great dystopian novels feature a main character who is first in agreement with their society.

Change their to his (or her). You speak of a singular main character.

After all, why should he or she oppose something that seems to exist for their happiness?

The use of their with he or she is problematic. Their is plural. But he or she is singular (you are referring to a single individual of unknown gender).

The problem arises from a perceived need to be gender neutral. A better choice would be to pick a gender: After all, why should he oppose something that seems to exist for his happiness?

Another solution is to use both pronouns, like this: After all, why should he or she oppose something that seems to exist for his or her happiness?

Or use direct address to the reader: After all, would you oppose something that seems to exit for your happiness?

Alternately, you can make the subject plural: After all, why should people oppose something that seems to exist for their happiness?

More idiomatic would be: their own happiness.

Guy Montag from Bradbury’s Farenheit 451 lived a relatively easy life until his society became his adversity.

Typo: should be Fahrenheit 451.

Did you mean adversary instead of adversity? Is the society the villain (adversary) or a misfortune (adversity)?

If you want to keep adversity (because the word is used in the prompt), then I suggest changing became his adversity to inflicted him with adversity.

After he realized the corruption his society caused, he vowed to change it.

Good.

In doing so, he lost his wife and house, but it was a small sacrifice.

What is it referring to? The loss of his wife or the loss of his house?

Better: but this was a small sacrifice or but these were small sacrifices.

It was only through the difficulty of trying to oppose “the system” that he learned the meaning of independance and courage.

Typo: should be independence.

Suggestion to tighten the sentence: Only through trying to oppose “the system” did he learn the meaning of independence and courage.

Aldous Huxley’s A Brave New World demonstrated what could happen when a society brainwashes and drugs its members to make them happy.

The title does not have an article: Brave New World.

You could have used the present tense verb demonstrates, because the book continues to demonstrate this.

The citizens had an easier life than most of us can hope for, but they lost their identities as a result.

Not bad, but the sentence overstays its welcome with the phrase as a result. Better to put this phrase earlier and end the sentence on its strongest point: ...but as a result they lost their identities.

These people were so distracted, unquestioning, and shallow that they never knew who they were.

Good.

They did not have any chances to discover themselves in their artificial and homogenized life.

You could tighten the sentence by replacing did not have any chances to with were unable to.

Change life to lives.

They were perfectly conditioned so that nothing would be hard or unpleasant.

You started two sentences in a row with They were. Unless you are trying to achieve some rhythmic effect, this sort of repetition should be avoided.

One way of fixing this is to combine the two sentences: Unable to discover themselves in their artificial and homogenized lives, they were perfectly conditioned so that nothing would be hard or unpleasant.

However, they ended up as clones of each other because their lives only required the simplest of tasks, none of which required any thinking.

Avoid repeating words. Here, you use required twice in the same sentence. This repetition draws attention to itself, and away from what you are trying to say. Replace one of these instances with a synonym or a new idea. For example: their lives were filled with the simplest of tasks, none of which required any thinking.

Adversity challenges us and sometimes forces us to adapt and change, but it can also lead us to reflect on our lives.

I'm not thrilled with the phrase adapt and change. To adapt is to change. Adaptation is a type of change. If you want to use both words, go from the general to the specific: forces us to change and adapt.

One can only learn of their hate of mountain climbing if one is forced to climb a mountain.

Again, their is plural; one is singular. See above note.

The repetition of the word of is distracting: learn of their hate of... Better: discover their hate of...

More idiomatic than hate of is hatred of.

The phrase if one is forced to seems unnecessary. Tighten this up.

Suggested rewrite: People can only discover their hatred of mountain climbing by climbing mountains.

Often, an adversity is our only motivation to do new things.

Better to delete an: Often, adversity is...

The generic verb do can often be replaced by a stronger verb. Slightly better here is: to try new things.

A life replete with experience is required in order to discover your true identity.

Okay. But you're using required again, which as been overused already. Try substituting another word: experience is necessary.

Many times, simple curiosity is not enough to galvanate most people to acquire new experienced.

The word is galvanize, not galvanate.

Also, you are adding too many qualifiers: many, simple, most. Delete many times or most.

Typo: experienced should be experiences.

It may be argued that a life of ease can free people from the drudgery of daily life and lead them on the journey of self-discovery.

The word life is repeated. Is this necessary? Suggestion: change the drudgery of daily life to their daily drudgery.

The phrase It may be argued is a cop-out. Either argue the point or don't. Better to delete this introductory phrase and let the argument stand or fall on the merits.

However, ease can also people stop trying to discover themselves and instead laze in luxury.

Word order problem. Should be stop people, rather than the reverse.

More idiomatic is: stop people from...

Who is lazing in luxury? Can ease laze in luxury? No. But people can. Suggested rewrite: However, ease can also stop people from trying to discover themselves, and instead cause them to laze in luxury.

Adversity, however, forces people to seek out new experiences and in turn defeat it with newfound knowledge.

Delete however. You used it in the previous sentence. The logic is clear without it here.

What is it referring to? Experiences?

Suggestion: change in turn defeat it to overcome their misfortunes.

I will continue with a rewrite, structural feedback, and a score from 1 to 6 in Part Two of this essay critique.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Please comment below.

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