SAT Prep — Free Essay Critique #6 (Part Two)

This is a continuation of the previous free essay critique.

Essay Rewrite

Here is my revision of Alyssa's SAT essay:

Progress and innovation have long been glorified in our society. However, some changes, while they make life more convenient, ultimately prove to be detrimental to the individual and to the world as a whole.

One literary example of harmful change is found in Arthur C. Clarke’s short story The Lion of Comarre. This story is set in Earth’s distant future. Globally, society has become a utopia, and life is homogenized; there are no dangers or troubles. Penury, feral animals, and inclement climates have been totally eradicated. Scientific progress has come to a standstill, and creative minds are stagnating. The protagonist of Clarke’s story, Richard Peyton III, sets off on a journey to discover a fabled land called Comarre, which he believes holds exciting secrets sure to stimulate the minds of his countrymen. However, what he finds is the exact opposite. Comarre is a city filled with slumbering inhabitants and sentient robots. Its purpose is to simulate, with virtual reality, the ultimate fantasies of all who fall asleep there, providing its citizens endless happiness but without reason or intelligent thought. Richard is allowed to stay, but he escapes from the city with a book detailing the secrets of robotic sentience, which gives his people the impetus to colonize space and begin a new Golden Age. Richard could have passively acquiesced to the robots’ wishes and indulged himself in a lifetime of bliss, but he took the harder route that required exertion and determination, and in the end the world was all the better for it.

Harmful adoption of convenience is also evident in the world today. Unlike The Lion of Comarre, in which society’s intellect stagnates, the current culture of fast food has caused people's bodies to degenerate. Fast food, which is a quickly-prepared and high-fat style of cuisine, was originally intended to give working parents a ready alternative to grueling hours of cooking, but has caused myriad health problems around the world. Not only is the global obesity rate higher today than at any other point in history, studies have shown that countries like Japan, which have recently trended towards Western cuisine (of which fast food composes a high percentage) have experienced a sharp spike in rates of most cancers. Ultimately, a quick and easy change in diet has proven disastrous.

Convenience may be comfortable and tempting, but literature and history show that, in the long run, it is not always for the best.

Structural Feedback

Here is the central idea of each paragraph:

1. Progress can prove detrimental to the individual and to the world.
2. Richard Peyton III rejects robotic convenience and helps colonize space.
3. Our fast food culture causes bodies to degenerate.
4. Convenience is not always for the best.

Nearly one third of this essay is devoted to retelling Clark's short story. We do not need this much detail about the story's plot. It would have been better to spend more time telling us how it relates to your argument.

Your essay should be an argument supporting or opposing the topic statement. Instead, your second paragraph reads more like a book report.

Remember, the example is not the topic. This long discussion of plot mechanics in The Lion of Comarre undermines, rather than supports, your argument. By the end of the story synopsis, I had nearly forgotten the initial topic. Also, I was mostly left to intuit how each part of the story supported your argument.

Please take every opportunity to relate your literary examples to the argument. Do this several times per paragraph, if necessary.

The next paragraph, about our fast food culture, is a much stronger argument.

The biggest weaknesses of this essay is the lack of a third example. While it's possible to score high on the SAT essay with only two examples, most essays will use three examples. By comparison, a two-example essay runs the risk of seeming less well thought out.

Also, using only two examples may lead to a couple of common problems: an essay that is too short, or one that is padded with unnecessary details.

Your essay suffers a bit from both. It is shorter than the ideal. When doing practice essays, aim for 400 words in 25 minutes. Also, the paragraph of The Lion of Comarre feels padded with a lot of unnecessary plot details.

Your Score: 4

The SAT essay is scored from 1-6. Here is the description from the official SAT rubric:

SCORE OF 4

An essay in this category demonstrates adequate mastery, although it will have lapses in quality. A typical essay

• develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates competent critical thinking, using adequate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position
• is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence and progression of ideas
• exhibits adequate but inconsistent facility in the use of language, using generally appropriate vocabulary
• demonstrates some variety in sentence structure
• has some errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics

Alyssa, I want to thank you again for submitting your essay.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Please comment below.

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