SAT Prep — Free Essay Critique #2 (Part Two)

In Part One, I posted Kuawandra's original SAT practice essay and gave a line-by-line critique.

Let's continue...

Essay Rewrite
Here is the essay with grammatical fixes:

Have you ever been in a situation when you had to lie? It had to be a life or death situation and you thought, "If I lie just this one time, it won’t hurt." You wanted to tell the truth. Instead, you lied. Now you have another problem, and instead of telling the truth about what happened, you lie. That’s when a person has lied for the wrong reason. So for that one moment you start to lie and it just becomes natural. Every time you open your mouth, a lie comes out without you thinking about it.

Just like sex, drugs, and alcohol, lying is an addiction. Yes, it can be as bad as all of the ones listed because of the tension it can bring to a person, group, or even yourself. Lying to yourself can bring down your self-esteem. You're telling yourself things that are not true. That can destroy a person for life. If being lied to at a young age is what you learned, you don’t have to let it control the rest of your life.

Being lied to can hurt, as well. It can take over a person's being. If a person is lied to all the time, it can stay with them until they decide that it’s time to do something about it. That’s why you should always tell the truth. Telling the truth can also have an impact on one's life. A person who tells the truth will succeed more than a person who is lying all the time. You should be truthful when filling out a job or college applications. You may think that they don’t look at those things, but they do.

Personally, I would not lie. Lying is bad because you can get a lot of trouble. Yes, I have lied before, and I am sure I will lie again during my lifetime, but I will make sure that it is at the right time and for the right reason. Telling the truth can get you a lot of places and lying can get you on a lot of people's bad list. You should not want to be on your parent's, family's or friend's list. I think that a person should always tell the truth, but since we are human, we are going to lie no matter the circumstances.

I remember one time I lied to my mother about spilling the juice. I lied because I didn’t want to clean it up. When she found out that I did it, she made me clean it up, then she said I couldn’t drink any juice for the rest of my life, but only water. So for a whole month all I drank was water. Then my mother said that I should feel stupid because she was just playing. She said that I learned my lesson, and since then I have never dropped anything on the floor without cleaning it up.

Structural Feedback

Let's find the central idea of each paragraph:

1. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to lie? It can become a habit.
2. Lying can become an addition. It could destroy your life.
3. It hurts being lied to. Telling the truth can have a positive impact.
4. I would not lie. But lying is human nature.
5. I once lied to my mother and she punished me.

I found it difficult to summarize each paragraph in this essay, because they are not each focused on a single idea.

Try to keep each paragraph to one subject. Announce the subject in the first sentence, then elaborate. When you change the subject, start a new paragraph.

Most of the essay is devoted to a general discussion of the prose and cons of lying. Then the essay ends with a personal example.

It would be much better to state a strong position in the first paragraph, provide three examples to support your position (one paragraph for each example), and conclude with a restatement of your position.

The example at the end of this essay is a powerful story, but it doesn't bring the essay itself to a satisfying conclusion.

Because the essay lacks a strong position statement, the first four paragraphs seem to drift, seeking a solid foundation. It is only in the final paragraph that the essay comes alive.

Why does the last paragraph work so well?

Because it is a real event told with a clear beginning, middle, and end.

Also, the details are concrete.

Try to take this structure up a level: give the entire essay a clear beginning (position statement), middle (supporting examples), and end (conclusion that restates the position).

Your Score: 2

The SAT essay is scored from 1-6, based on a rubric provided by The College Board.

Here is the category your essay best fits into:

SCORE OF 2

An essay in this category demonstrates little mastery, and is flawed by ONE OR MORE of the following weaknesses:

• develops a point of view on the issue that is vague or seriously limited, and demonstrates weak critical thinking, providing inappropriate or insufficient examples, reasons, or other evidence to support its position
• is poorly organized and/or focused, or demonstrates serious problems with coherence or progression of ideas
• displays very little facility in the use of language, using very limited vocabulary or incorrect word choice
• demonstrates frequent problems in sentence structure
• contains errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics so serious that meaning is somewhat obscured

The score I'm giving you is not meant to predict what you'll get on the SAT.

Instead, it's a snapshot of where I think your writing skills are now, and an indicator of what you need to work on.

The more you practice writing, the more you will improve.

Kuawandra, thank you again for submitting your SAT essay for a free critique.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Please comment below.

How to Succeed with SAT Test Preparation